I like doing things. I am a person who gets excited by the thought of getting to tell others about the “things” I have done and am doing. That is the reason I took that hot yoga class even though I hate being hot when exercising. That is the reason I traveled to Argentina knowing nothing about the country except for the verse ‘don’t cry for me Argentina!’ from the Evita movie commercial. And that is also part of the reason to take the intensive Red Cross lifeguard training to be certified to stare at kids as they waded in the 3 foot deep pool at my school. The other reason of course was my boss and the thought that she might put me on her shit list for not “being a team player”. I am the ultimate team player, I am a people pleaser, and I always want them to like me.
The training consisted of three parts: a four-part multiple choice test, rescue strategies, and The Swim. It sounds simple enough, swim to the end of the Hermosa Beach pier and back… in ten minutes! So in the spirit of athleticism I decided to throw on my non-Speedo, kick off my flip flops and give it a try.
I summoned Roger to be my “time keeper”, but really to swim with me and keep me company if I got bored. I also figured I could always blame a bad time on him claiming he was slowing me down.
After taking some time to muster up the courage to “just do it”, I prepared my phones timer (which only took me about 20 minutes to figure out) and tried to rally Roger. Of course he had a business call he had to wait for (typical!) so I was to go it alone. I told Roger to start the timer after I had passed the waves and then he could snooze until the timer sounded and then to give me a wave to let me know when I had ran out of time.
Entering the water I was surprised by how refreshing and not frigid it was. I began my swim grandma style (breast stroke) remembering all the old Russian ladies at the YMCA with their frilly skirts, flowered swim caps and manatee like pace. As I ventured deeper into the ocean I began to fully immerse myself in the great experience I was having.
“I should do this more often!… The water feels amazing!...I am having such a great time!...I LOVE THIS!...I need to do this more often!...Yeah, I’m going to start swimming….I’m going to BE a SWIMMER!!...Every morning instead of a jog I am going to start swimming! I’m going to tell Tia and I bet she will want to swim with me because she is a swimmer!... This is going to change my life! I am going to get a Speedo, but not a swim cap, I HATE swim caps, but I wouldn’t mind a stealth looking onesie!...I am going to have such a rockin’ swimmers body…my arms are going to be ripped!...Ah! I can’t wait to tell everyone I AM A SWIMMER!... Oh look I’m almost to the end of the pier! I got here fast!...Yeah, I swim…”
As I swam to where I felt in-line with the end of the pier a rush of excitement ran over me as I turned around and got ready for the journey back. Taking my first few strokes that excitement turned to all out fear and panic. I realized I was moving backwards gently carried by the same current that had gotten me to this place.
“Uh…fuck…fuck, fuck, FUCK! Am I really moving BACKWARDS?!!! Ok, you’re fine, just step up your swimming game, no more sissy water ballet messing around… channel the inner Phelps. Go, GO, GO, POWER! Shit I still don’t think I’m moving, I’m such a crappy swimmer! Did I even pass this test last time I did life guard training? I think they just passed me. Crap! You know I shouldn’t even be out here by myself, I am such an idiot! No, No, I wouldn’t be out here by myself if it wasn’t for Roger and his stupid iPhone…Fuck Roger, this is all his fault, he is such an asshole! This is why we broke up! He is such an ass and he’s not swimming with me! Fuck him, I hate you Roger!...Wait, maybe you can see me out here in the ocean, and if I give a little wave maybe you will swim out here and help me back….Crap you can’t see me, I can’t even tell a ten year old boy from a ten-hundred pound woman on the beach at this point!...Maybe the lifeguard will see me, they should be watching the water after all right? International HELP signal! Hellooooo! Do you see me?!!!!!! Of course you don’t, why would you…It’s only your job! Idiot! Crap, crap, crap!...This is going to be how I die. I am going to just drift farther and farther out into the ocean and the lifeguard won’t notice me, and Roger will be on his stupid phone, and I am going to drown….if I don’t get eaten by a shark… What the hell was THAT!!! Did just see something under me?! Maybe a fish… I hope it’s not a fish…maybe just a reflection….Okay, well I can’t just die without trying! Just, keep, swimming. Yeah. Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming!... I swear, if and when I get back I am never going in the ocean again! I am a shitty swimmer and I am never going to go in the ocean, ever! I will have to tell Ms. Mar that I can’t pass my swim test and that I no longer want to be certified, and I’ll just pay her the money she paid Tia. I hate swimming!...This sucks! …. Hey!... I’m almost half way down the pier!! Heck YES! I’m almost there!... Just keep swimming!...Just keep swimming!”
Approaching the waves I saw Roger walking down the beach toward me encouraging me to swim harder. Again, I was filled with excitement at the thought that I might actually make it in ten minutes even thought I was in the water for what felt like an hour. I swam harder and harder, finally jogging up to Roger.
“What’s my time?!” I panted
“Twelve minutes! Almost! So, wanna go for a swim?” Roger asked brightly.
“Yeah, sure.”
The training consisted of three parts: a four-part multiple choice test, rescue strategies, and The Swim. It sounds simple enough, swim to the end of the Hermosa Beach pier and back… in ten minutes! So in the spirit of athleticism I decided to throw on my non-Speedo, kick off my flip flops and give it a try.
I summoned Roger to be my “time keeper”, but really to swim with me and keep me company if I got bored. I also figured I could always blame a bad time on him claiming he was slowing me down.
After taking some time to muster up the courage to “just do it”, I prepared my phones timer (which only took me about 20 minutes to figure out) and tried to rally Roger. Of course he had a business call he had to wait for (typical!) so I was to go it alone. I told Roger to start the timer after I had passed the waves and then he could snooze until the timer sounded and then to give me a wave to let me know when I had ran out of time.
Entering the water I was surprised by how refreshing and not frigid it was. I began my swim grandma style (breast stroke) remembering all the old Russian ladies at the YMCA with their frilly skirts, flowered swim caps and manatee like pace. As I ventured deeper into the ocean I began to fully immerse myself in the great experience I was having.
“I should do this more often!… The water feels amazing!...I am having such a great time!...I LOVE THIS!...I need to do this more often!...Yeah, I’m going to start swimming….I’m going to BE a SWIMMER!!...Every morning instead of a jog I am going to start swimming! I’m going to tell Tia and I bet she will want to swim with me because she is a swimmer!... This is going to change my life! I am going to get a Speedo, but not a swim cap, I HATE swim caps, but I wouldn’t mind a stealth looking onesie!...I am going to have such a rockin’ swimmers body…my arms are going to be ripped!...Ah! I can’t wait to tell everyone I AM A SWIMMER!... Oh look I’m almost to the end of the pier! I got here fast!...Yeah, I swim…”
As I swam to where I felt in-line with the end of the pier a rush of excitement ran over me as I turned around and got ready for the journey back. Taking my first few strokes that excitement turned to all out fear and panic. I realized I was moving backwards gently carried by the same current that had gotten me to this place.
“Uh…fuck…fuck, fuck, FUCK! Am I really moving BACKWARDS?!!! Ok, you’re fine, just step up your swimming game, no more sissy water ballet messing around… channel the inner Phelps. Go, GO, GO, POWER! Shit I still don’t think I’m moving, I’m such a crappy swimmer! Did I even pass this test last time I did life guard training? I think they just passed me. Crap! You know I shouldn’t even be out here by myself, I am such an idiot! No, No, I wouldn’t be out here by myself if it wasn’t for Roger and his stupid iPhone…Fuck Roger, this is all his fault, he is such an asshole! This is why we broke up! He is such an ass and he’s not swimming with me! Fuck him, I hate you Roger!...Wait, maybe you can see me out here in the ocean, and if I give a little wave maybe you will swim out here and help me back….Crap you can’t see me, I can’t even tell a ten year old boy from a ten-hundred pound woman on the beach at this point!...Maybe the lifeguard will see me, they should be watching the water after all right? International HELP signal! Hellooooo! Do you see me?!!!!!! Of course you don’t, why would you…It’s only your job! Idiot! Crap, crap, crap!...This is going to be how I die. I am going to just drift farther and farther out into the ocean and the lifeguard won’t notice me, and Roger will be on his stupid phone, and I am going to drown….if I don’t get eaten by a shark… What the hell was THAT!!! Did just see something under me?! Maybe a fish… I hope it’s not a fish…maybe just a reflection….Okay, well I can’t just die without trying! Just, keep, swimming. Yeah. Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming!... I swear, if and when I get back I am never going in the ocean again! I am a shitty swimmer and I am never going to go in the ocean, ever! I will have to tell Ms. Mar that I can’t pass my swim test and that I no longer want to be certified, and I’ll just pay her the money she paid Tia. I hate swimming!...This sucks! …. Hey!... I’m almost half way down the pier!! Heck YES! I’m almost there!... Just keep swimming!...Just keep swimming!”
Approaching the waves I saw Roger walking down the beach toward me encouraging me to swim harder. Again, I was filled with excitement at the thought that I might actually make it in ten minutes even thought I was in the water for what felt like an hour. I swam harder and harder, finally jogging up to Roger.
“What’s my time?!” I panted
“Twelve minutes! Almost! So, wanna go for a swim?” Roger asked brightly.
“Yeah, sure.”
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